So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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