i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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