Too much gin, very little bucket
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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