just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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