i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
