grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
