I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Randomize
