if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
