Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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