She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
