Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
