He disabled his match.com account in front of me
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
