can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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