I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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