Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
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So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
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The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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