This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you traded sex for a burrito?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
