so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
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She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
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I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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