If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
