The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
