OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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