dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He? As in you personified your dick?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
