I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
