I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
