just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
