mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
