I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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