Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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