I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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