I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
