if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
