i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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