it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
50% drunk capacity currently
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
