Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
