Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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