i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
