Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
