Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
