life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
