mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
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They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
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After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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