Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
