tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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