Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
my liver is dry heaving
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
