I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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