Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
