Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
