I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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