I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
