There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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