How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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