I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
