Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I love black thongs
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
