We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
