Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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