I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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