YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
