is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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