Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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