your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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