Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
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She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
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Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.