Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.