You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I think I just sharted jello shots
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
