I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"